Edward Scissor Feet
How much time have you wasted clipping one toenail at a time? You'll never get those minutes of your life back. But you don't have to waste any more.
Have you ever clipped your toenails too far and they hurt for like forever? That's going to happen a lot more now. You may even lose some toe meat. It will be worth it though. You'll be able to take one more cat nap with the minutes you'll save over a lifetime.
2
Just Hanging Out
Want to do your part to make the subway a weirder place? Why not try this chin stand? It's for sleeping while you're standing up.
It's also great for keeping subway crazies away. Now you're one of them. And subway crazies don't bother each other. It's part of the code. You may even get union benefits if you commute like this long enough.
3
You Can Eat It
What's in the bowl? It's poop that you can eat. This is just what the world needs.
We know that some people in the world are starving. But we're pretty sure that even they would turn their noses up at this. This stuff is just barely edible. It's literally just poop with the pathogens taken out. Why would anyone invent this?!
4
Wash While You Walk
Wish that your washing machine wasn't so stationary? Now you can take your laundry on the go.
All jokes aside, why on earth would you need this? We've all forgotten to do Sunday-night laundry. But what would be the point of washing on your way to work? And how would you dry them? We're not even going to talk about the fact that there's only room for underwear in there. These give a whole new meaning to the walk of shame.
5
Who Needs Hearing Aids?
Discrete hearing aids are for chumps. Why go small when you can go big?
This way you can hear what everyone's saying behind your back. They'll mostly be talking about how crazy you look. But you'll be able to hear it! You may also be able to pick up satellite feeds from space. Phone reception is probably pretty great too. But if anyone yells within 20 feet of you, your ears may bleed.
6
Get Mopping
Got a useless baby lying around? Now you can put it to work. "You're welcome" -- The Japanese.
Babies are notoriously lazy. But this inventor said "No More. Let's put all of that crawling around to work." If your baby just lays there, crying for love and affection, he may need motivation. We suggest dangling a bottle in front of him and making him crawl for it. He should have to work for his dinner. Everyone else in the house does. It's never too early to learn that there's no such thing as a free ride.
7
OK...
What's in this vending machine? We'll give you a hint: they're for sniffing. That' right, used women's underwear!
We knew that used women's underwear was a thing. We didn't know that it was this much of a thing. This means that large numbers of men find themselves out and about but unable to go on without getting their hands on a pair of underwear. Just think about that for a minute.
Welcome to the Internet: Destroying Your Innocence One Image at A Time.
8
This Seems Drastic
It's universally human. When we're bored at work, we put our chins on our fists. This device will make sure you never do that again.
If you forget, you'll get a few friendly spikes to the face. That seems reasonable. We're actually thinking of giving this to our employees. We'll definitely make them mandatory. They'll never doze off during our meetings again. And anyone who does will wear facial scars of shame.
9
There Are Dozens of Us
We didn't know there were never-nudes in Japan. This is great news. No one should have to resort to jorts in the shower.
These blue jean underpants promise to chafe like the real thing. You don't even have to butcher your favorite pair of jeans. Has any one told Dr. Funke about this? We think he'll be excited. We're going to wear ours while watching Arrested Development re-runs.
10
It's for Your Mouth!
No, this is not a photo from a ransom note. It's a mouth exerciser.
It's for those pesky wrinkles around your mouth. You just cram it in your gob and fight the urge to panic. And then you squeeze on the tube to tighten your...mouth muscles. Try not to think about the fact that you look like a blow-up doll. Laughing with this in your mouth can be dangerous. And you do not want to have to explain yourself to the EMTs.
11
Noodly
We'll give you a minute to guess what this is before we tell you. No, it's not a splash guard. It's for holding your hair back when you eat noodles.
We love this because everyone's done this at one point in their lives. You think about a problem for a while. And then you come up with a perfect, brilliant solution. So you run to tell you're friend but he's just like "Dude, why wouldn't you just put your hair in a ponytail to keep it out of the noodles?" And you're like "oh..." But it's too late because this is already a thing.
12
Eyes for Your Eyes
These are stickers for sleeping at work. On the bright side, your boss won't think you're asleep. On the other hand, he may think that you're a dangerous sociopath.
Could you imagine walking by this guy's desk? "John? John?!" If John's not careful, he's going to wake up to a security detail at his desk. Or an EMT. These belong firmly in the bad idea box. Unless you're going to use them at home. That'll teach them to wake you up in the morning.
13
The Lap Pillow
This is the saddest, loneliest thing we've ever seen. Just how bad does it have to get for you to crave human contact this badly?
It's even creepier that the laps are disembodied. We can just imagine the commercial. "Do you want the warmth of a woman's lap without actually having to talk to a woman? Try lap pillow!" Speaking of advertising, we love that the men in this photo are wearing suits. It's almost as if you could use these pillows outside of the sad, secret shame of your one-bedroom apartment.
14
TP!
There's never enough toilet paper around when you need it. That goes double when you have a cold. Lucky for you, the Japanese have thought of a solution.
Nothing says "leave me alone I have a cold" like this off-putting little device. No one will catch your cold because they'll be afraid to come near you. In their defense, you'll look pretty crazy. But you'll be able to blow your nose whenever you need.
Pro Tip: Not recommended for households with cats.
15
A Match Made in Loneliness
Loneliness isn't just for men. Now there's a pillow that she can share with her cats.
Tape a photo of Ryan Gosling's face to the top and he's just like a real boyfriend. You two can go to brunch and watch Lifetime together. Unfortunately, once you buy this pillow you can never date again. Nothing says forever alone like a man-pillow. It's like kryptonite for any man you manage to lure back to your apartment. Unless, of course, that man has a lap pillow. Then you two are a match made in heaven.
