If Your Dog Could Text

The Simple Things of Life
For dogs, it's all about the simple pleasures of life - a daily belly rub, food falling from your plate and, yes, a brand-new tennis ball.

What is it with dogs and tennis balls? Every dog I know loses their mind when they see one - they become literally euphoric, which is why I laughed and nodded my head when I saw this text.

Now, if only humans could be this way. If only humans weren't so demanding and so high-maintenance. Humans need to enjoy the simplest pleasures of life at least every once in a while..

Dinnertime For Dogs
I understand that there is an evolutionary component to this behavior; back when a certain spoiled diva (that I know) was a wolf (eons ago), she would have to eat as much as possible because her next meal might not be for a while.

That's why all dogs beg and constantly ask for more food, even though you just fed them twenty minutes ago.

It's laughable to think that a ten-pound dog who has more clothes than I do and whose parents plan their vacations around HER needs was once a fierce predator who had to fight to survive. Of course, I knew that if I said, "She's just a dog," I would get yelled at in the worst possible way.

All By Myself... Don't Want To Be... All By Myself
All dogs give you the saddest eyes and drooping posture if you leave them by themselves, even for just ten or fifteen minutes, tops. Every dog that I have ever had or known does this, no matter how "chill" they seem.

Of course, some dogs are more sensitive to this than others. It looks so sad, like that Sarah McLachlan commercial for the ASPCA, the one where they play her hit song "Angel." Then I remember how my dogs sleep on the couch, eat a home-cooked diet and get vigorous exercise every single day.

Translation: they don't have it that bad, so I don't feel bad for them when they have to spend a couple hours out in the backyard without us humans.

The Logic of Dogs
If you have ever had a dog or own one right now, you know exactly what I'm talking about. I know it makes perfect sense to the dog, but to us it's confusing and/or comical.

Case in point: I owned a dog several years back that started barking at the couch for what seemed like no reason. We assumed one of her toys had gotten stuck under there, so we lifted it up, only to discover a single Gold-fish cracker. My dog dove under the elevated couch, ate the cracker and went back to sleep on the other couch.

Again, it made perfect sense to her, but to us it makes us scratch our heads. Yes, she had her humans well-trained. Then again, don't all dogs?

The Rise of BATDOG
One more reason dogs are like children: they are opportunistic and will get into trouble when left to their own devices. They also like to play with stuff they're not supposed to play with, more than the expensive pile of toys that you bought for them. Dogs are essentially the children you have that never grow up and leave the nest, but really, would you want them to?

Yes, my dog is a BATDOG for sure, but I wouldn't want her any other way.

Sick Day Off - By Order of Dog
Apparently the dog doesn't want his owner to go to work. If it were up to all of our dogs, none of us would ever go to work. We would just stay home and play with them all day. Of course, they don't understand that we need to go to work to pay the bills.

We think dogs should get a job, just so they can understand. It can be any job really, even In-n-Out. Then again, maybe our dog shouldn't work there - she would eat all of the food.

Saved by BATDOG 
For some weird reason, dogs always have someone that they consider to be their "mortal enemy," someone that they just don't like. I don't know if science will ever be able to figure that one out. Usually it's the mail carrier (even if they bring treats), but it can also be anyone that looks at them slightly wrong.

It would be so cool to see a dog dressed as a BATDOG, to see him act like a "superhero." We think that would be really cool.

Bad-Ass Dog
Whether the dog is a 200-pound Mastiff or a five-pound Chihuahua, dogs have this innate ability to act tough, growling and barking like they have a serious bone to pick with someone (or something).

Of course, when confronted with the actual "threat," they usually whimper and pee on themselves. Most dogs aren't as tough as they would like people to believe - baby-talk them or give them a piece of bacon and they will give you the combination to the family's safe.

When Pets' Exercise Goes Horribly Wrong
Like humans, dogs can have epic FAILS as well, whether its running into a sliding glass door, licking a hot grill or, in this case, knocking over a TV. It's almost like the MTV show "Jack-Ass" but completely and totally unintentional.

Of course, whenever humans have FAILS, we usually end up being transported by helicopter to the emergency room, whereas dogs just brush themselves off and go back to doing whatever it is they were doing. It's also somewhat cute when a dog does something really stupid; for a human, you get yelled at and forced to pay for whatever you damaged.

You Can't Sneak One Past BATDOG
It is a well-known fact that dogs can freak us out with senses of smell and hearing that we cannot begin to understand. True, we can smell the overall scent of McDonald's, but dogs can smell the separate components of the meal (the meat, the cheese, etc). This is how dogs detect things like drugs and explosives. I even saw once on TV a dog that could sniff cellphones (they used the dog in prisons to catch inmates with phones they weren't supposed to have).

As far as the hearing goes, they hear a wider range of frequencies than we can. That's why they can hear both a high-pitch whistle and a mouse farting ten feet away.

This is why I can't ever sneak one past my dog - she is onto me at every turn, and for that, I feel obligated to give her a little piece of my sandwich.


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Juicy: If Your Dog Could Text
If Your Dog Could Text
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